Title: Shopping For Sam
Author: Kathleen Anderson
Email: sam_loves_jack@yahoo.ca
Status: complete
Category: humour, bit of S/J romance (I guess!)
Spoilers: not a one Archive: anywhere
Summary: Sam is sick and sends Jack off to do her shopping.
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. The products mentioned, the aren't mine either, DUh!
Author's Notes: This is very similar to an X-Files fanfic I wrote (you can't rip off your own work can you??) We'll chalk this one up to "Day before school starts sillyness" And although I'm sure people know this, the Advil commercial I'm referring to had Amanda Tapping in it, I only saw it a thousand times and never realized it was her until I went and saw it on an Amanda website!

Colonel Jack O'Neill pulled into the parking lot of Tons 'o Drugs and pulled into the nearest available spot. It was handicapped but Jack didn't care, he wasn't prejudiced, it didn't matter to him whether or not the spot was able to walk without assistance. He kicked on the emergency brake and hopped out onto the smooth, black pavement. It felt really nice beneath his feet. Jack locked his door and swung it shut, he then put his keys, complete with an automatic starter into his pockets.

As Jack admired his feet, clad in some spiffy new Nike's, he noticed with some dismay that one of his shoe laces had come undone and was dragging across the smooth, black pavement. Jack placed himself so that when he bent over, his ass would face the congregation of middle-aged women gossiping by a rusted blue BMW. He knew that Sam didn't approve of him showing off his ass every chance he got, but it was one of his hobbies, so there. As Jack slowly eased his ass into the air, he inadvertantly started his vehicle with his thigh. Jack was seriously considering getting rid of his automatic starter. Just the other day, he and Sam had been in the midst of wild passions when she, reaching for what she had thought to be..well, never mind what she had thought it was, had started the car. Now if that didn't kill the mood...

Jack ignored his vehicle and slowly tied up his shoe lace, paying special attention to the symmetry of the bow. He then straightened himself out and shut off the car. He glanced back at the women and saw them looking appreciatively at him. He waggled his eyebrows and headed into the store. Jack was not here because he wanted to be, Jack was here because Sam wanted him to be. Sam was sick and Jack was whipped. Sam, being the thoughtful woman she is, had provided Jack with a list to aid him with his quest. Jack surveyed that list, feeling more than a little frightened. He didn't even know what Nair was but it scared him.

Jack grabbed a cute little red basket and headed for the pharmacy. He felt special because he knew what Pepto-Bismal and Imodium were. Jack scanned the shelves until he located the bottle filled to the brim with pink goo and deposited that into his cute basket. Next, he found the Imodium and debated for a while before settling on the extra strength. The bedroom was right next to the bathroom and he could personally vouch for the extra-strength. Jack smiled, feeling pleased with himself.

He scanned the list again, she wanted some Advil. He figured she'd want Advil, she'd been in love with the stuff ever since she saw that commercial with the two annoying kids in the doctor's office and decided the lady in the clinic looked a bit like her. That was easy to find, but then came the tampons. Yes, he had bought tampons before, he was quite the lady's man, but it still embarrased him. As discretely as possible, Jack slipped down the feminine needs aisle and frantically searched the shelves for what Sam wanted. Jack was overwhelmed, his eyes were spinning, as he looked at the different brands, shapes, sizes and numbers of tampons. Did Sam want the heavy flow ones or did she just want the light ones, did she want the ones with applicators, or without? It was driving him crazy. He closed his eyes, and reached out, his hand hit a box and Jack threw it into his basket.

Just one thing left, the scary thing called Nair. As much as he hated to do it, Jack located a sales associate and asked for his assistance. MERVIN! as his nametag proclaimed him to be proved very helpful in assisting Jack find what turned out to be hair remover cream. For the life of him, Jack couldn't figure out why Sam would be removing her bikini-line hair while she was stuck in bed with the flu, but decided it was best not to question.

All the line ups were extremely long, so Jack picked the one that looked the shortest. As he stood there in line, he perused the latest in the tabloids. Secret Government Project is Sending People To The Stars! one proclaimed and Jack snorted, that was utterly ridiculous. As it turned out, Jack had picked the longest line and he watched as people just breezed through the neighbouring checkout while he was stuck behind some lady who could use some Beano. Finally, just as Jack was ready to rip off some Scotch Tape to tape the lady's ass shut with, she paid for her purchases and headed off out the door. Jack breathed a sigh of relief and unloaded his cute little basket.

The cashier smiled insanely at Jack as she rang up his purchases. Jack grinned back as he watched the little bottles and boxes pass through the scanner. Jack leaned closer to her and whispered into her ear, "Could you please double-bag those for me?" The cashier gazed into his eyes and slipped the one bag into another. It was a very touching moment.

Jack paid and as he left the store, the cashier said a silent good-bye to the handsome stranger who had bought super-flow tampons with applicator and some buttery smooth Nair. She loved men who knew their unwanted removal products. Jack whistled a jaunty tune as he stepped across the smooth, black pavement and into his vehicle which was now bearing a small ticket which read, "Parking Violation".