Title: The Cliche Series Part Two: The Online Romance
Author: Kathleen Anderson
Email: sam_loves_jack@yahoo.ca
Status: Part two complete
Pairings: Sam/Jack, a teensy tiny bit of Daniel/Janet
Spoilers: Ascension
Season: Season 5
Rating: PG
Summary: Everyone knows those scenarios that have been done to death. Here is the online romance!
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
Author's Notes: This one got a little silly but that's what you get when you write fanfic without getting enough sleep!

Sam was bored. Sam was so very, very bored. She had already cleaned her bathroom, waxed her floors, weeded the garden, rewritten the laws of physics and planned her costume for next Halloween. She thought about repainting her living room or working on her motorcycle, but decided that both of those activities would require far too much energy.

Sam looked around kitchen, nothing to do there. She looked around the laundry room and ignored the huge pile of dirty clothes. She looked at her small office. Sam saw her computer, just sitting there, with sheep bouncing all over the screen. Some of the sheep were exploding and there were sheep guts all over the bottom of the screen. Sam decided that was a horrible screen saver and went over to rescue the poor sheep.

Seeing as she was at the computer anyway, Sam decided that she'd better check her hotmail address and delete all the pornographic spam she got there. Poor_Queequeg@hotmail.com was Sam's address. She really felt sorry for Agent Scully's dog and created an address as a memorial for the poor dear. Sam briefly skimmed through the email, wondering why she would ever want an alternative to Viagra and then checked all and deleted.

Deleting those messages gave Sam a small feeling of satisfaction. But she was still bored. Her eyes caught the words People & Chat and Sam decided to give it a go. She hadn't really spent much time in Internet chatrooms, but Janet raved about them. Cassie had introduced her to the concept and now she couldn't get enough. Sam looked through the listings of chatrooms and decided to forgo the 'pool parties' and 'hot and horny guys 18+" One room looked promising, "The Barracks! Come chat with fellow members of the United States Armed Forces!" Sam clicked on it and after creating a nickname and downloading the software, she entered the room.

lovesJO has entered the room

Sam was immediately welcomed to the room, and she suddenly felt less bored. There was currently 15 people in the room. Sam scanned the names along the side and then looked back at the main chat window.

Colonel Charming says: Welcome JO! Where are you stationed?

Sam hesitated a bit before saying that she was in Colorado. She didn't want to say Cheyenne Mountain in particular because of the delicate nature of her assignment. It wouldn't do to arouse a lot of questioning. She got tired of making up excuses for deep space radar telemetry.

Colonel Charming says: I'm in Colorado as well, maybe we know each other?

lovesJO says: That's unlikely

Colonel Charming says: What branch of the armed forces are you with?

lovesJO says: Air Force, you?

Colonel Charming says: I'm Air Force too! See, maybe we do know each other

Sam sighed, this Colonel Charming was anything but charming. He was actually kind of annoying. Sam clicked the coffee cup next to her name to set herself to away and headed to the kitchen to get a drink. When she returned to the computer she found that Colonel Charming had been whispering to her. Sam sighed again and sent a message back to him.

Two hours later Sam shut down her computer and stood up, stretching her back. She couldn't believe that she had just spent all that time talking to a perfect stranger! The Colonel had become less annoying after the first twenty minutes and Sam found that he was actually quite funny. She was beginning to understand Janet's strange obsession. She and Colonel Charming had made a 'date' for tomorrow evening and Sam couldn't wait to log back on and talk to him again!


"You okay Sam?"

Sam looked at Janet who was polishing her instruments of torture, "Just a bit tired, I was up late last night."

"Still working on that Stargate in your basement?"

Sam shook her head, "Nah, I can't get it work, I have no idea how Orlin did it."

"So, what were you doing?"

"If you must know, I was chatting online."

Janet's face lit up, "Really?! I thought you hated that sort of thing."

"I was really bored Janet."

"Did you meet someone??"

"Why do always assume that everyone chatting online is doing so because they want to meet someone?"

"Because it's true, so did you?"


Sam felt herself blushing as she remember Colonel Charming. Janet put a needle down and went over to Sam. "You did! I knew it!" Janet exclaimed.

"Yeah, okay I did. I was in some armed forces chat room and I met this guy."

"An armed forces chat room? Geez Sam, that's kinda boring, no? You should try those pool parties sometime."

"It wasn't boring! This guy is really nice. He's funny, maybe a little dense but I can handle that. We're meeting in chat again tonight."

Janet gave Sam a disapproving look, "He reminds you of Colonel O'Neill, doesn't he. I thought you were over that."

"He does not remind me of Colonel O'Neill! Well..okay, maybe a little and yes, I am over him!"

Janet let out a small strangled cough and gestured towards the door.

Colonel O'Neill stood leaning against the door with a smirk on his face. "So Carter, you're over me? I don't remember you ever being under me."

Sam blushed furiously and stood up, "Well, if you'll excuse me Janet, sir, I there's something I need to attend to." She brushed past Jack and practically ran down the corridor.


Sam settled down in the chair with a steaming mug of coffee and a large chocolate chunk cookie. Tapping her fingers on the desk she impatiently waited for the computer to boot up. In her mind, she tried to picture this charming Colonel of hers. He would have thick dark hair and gorgeous chocolate brown eyes. He would have to be tall of course, Sam did not want a man that she could practically step on. The picture began to form in her mind, Sam smiled and watched as he beckoned to her. Sam giggled as he raised his eyebrows suggestively at her. Sam frowned as the man's hair began to grey. Dammit, Sam thought, he looks an awful lot like Colonel O'Neill.

Finally lovesJO logged into the chatroom, she scanned the names anxiously and sure enough, Colonel Charming was there. He immediately whispered to her, Hey, I wasn't sure if you were actually coming! I thought maybe you stood me up!

lovesJO says: I would never even dream of standing you up :-)

Colonel Charming says: Of course you wouldn't. So anyway, how are you today? Still beautiful?

lovesJO says: *blushes* I'm fine, had a pretty busy day, how do you know that I was beautiful to begin with?

Colonel Charming says: Us charming Colonels know these things. I've been wanting to ask you, who is this JO that you love so much?

lovesJO says: Oh no one, just someone who I had a huge crush on when I was younger

It wasn't exactly a lie, Sam was younger when she had a crush on him. She smiled as the Colonel's next message came up and took a sip of her coffee.


"Up late chatting online again?"

Sam's only response was a soft snore. Janet sighed and went over to Sam and shook her.

Sam sat straight up, "What's going on?! Is the base under attack?!?!"

Janet laughed, "No, I just wanted to see if you were interesting in lunch."

Sam looked at her watch, "It's lunch time already?"

"How late were you up late night Sam?" Janet asked, slipping into her patented Doctor Mode.

"Not that late, I think I turned off the computer at around 2:30.."

"Sam, you have to learn to moderate the time you spend on there, were you talking to that guy again?"

Sam smiled, "Yeah I was, he's a really great guy Janet!"

"Well, I'm happy that you're finally getting over Colonel O'Neill, but surely there's a better way to do it."

"Janet, I'm fine. I promise that I'll get to bed earlier tonight."

"Okay, fine, it's your body. So lunch?"

As if on cue, Sam's stomach growled. She stood and said, "Sure, lunch sounds great."

The commissary was fairly crowded when Sam and Janet entered. They got in line and ordered their meals.

"Hey Sam, Doc! Over here!"

It was Daniel, waving his arms around.

"You know Janet," Sam said with a smile, "I think that Daniel has a crush on you."

"Oh please, he so does not."

Sam picked up her tray, "Do you think he actually likes getting hurt all the time?"

"I thought he was just accident prone!"

"Very accident prone. Come on Janet, I thought you always knew if a man wanted you."

Janet picked up her tray, "I never said that. I guess we'd better go sit with Daniel, it doesn't look like there's anywhere else to sit."

Sam was a bit puzzled by the lack of seats and it looked to her like some of the tables had been taken away.


Meanwhile elsewhere in Cheyenne Mountain....

Siler wiped sweat from his brow and bent over, panting. "Okay, sir, all the tables are up."

General Hammond chortled with glee, "It's not high enough, more tables, we need more tables!"

"Sir, we've already removed most of the tables from the commissary, where are people supposed to eat?"

"On the floor!" Hammond said happily, "We need more tables!"

Siler rued the day that he had given Hammond the Guinness Book of World Records, that man was now determined to have the highest tower of tables. Heaving a great sigh, Siler left the General and went to the commissary to fetch more tables.


Sam sat down across from Daniel and Janet sat beside Daniel. Daniel smiled as the good doctor's arm brushed up against his.

Sam took a bite of her spaghetti and looked around again, "Is it just me, or do we seem to be slightly lacking in tables today..."

Daniel leaned forward, "Rumour has it that Siler was seen sneaking table after table out of the room early this morning."

Janet shook her head, "I always knew that man was up to no good."

"What would Siler want with the tables?" Sam asked.

"Maybe he needed to fix them? Maybe it's part of some alien conspiracy, who knows!" Daniel said with a wave of his hand.

Sam glanced towards the door as a figure entered the room, "Look, guys, it's Siler!"

"Probably came to get the chairs now or something." Janet said, gesturing towards the multitude of chairs scattered about the room.

The three watched as Siler approached their table. Daniel waved at him, "Hey Siler, join us for lunch?"

Siler did not reply. He came closer and closer, wiping his brow and panting. Janet started to look a little frightened and wondered if he had somehow contracted rabies. Sam gulped and wished that Colonel O'Neill were there to save her. Siler reached the table and paused. He put his hands out and grasped the edge of the table.

"Yoink!" he said loudly and pulled the table away from them. The food spilled onto the floor and Daniel wanted to cry as he watched his beloved coffee splash onto Janet's lab coat. The three watched, open mouthed, as Siler ran out of the room with their table, giggling all the way.

"Well, that was strange." Sam said, picking some salad off her lap.

"Indeed." Teal'c said, as he appeared out of nowhere.


It was almost midnight, Sam had been talking to Colonel Charming for nearly three hours. Her eyes were gritty and her back was killing her. It had been just over two weeks since that fateful evening and Sam was in love. The only problem with that was that every time to saw Colonel O'Neill, she felt a sharp stab of guilt. She had told herself that she wasn't really cheating on him, because it wasn't like they were having a relationship or anything. She hadn't told Colonel Charming her name, nor had he told her his. Sam was happy with this arrangement.

Saying goodnight and sending him a kiss, Sam exited Colonel Charming's private room and shut down the computer. She stood up and smoothed down her muumuu, Sam really needed to do her laundry. Actually, Sam wasn't sure why she owned a muumuu in the first place, but it really was quite comfortable, even if it was lacking in style.


"Sam, is that a muumuu?" Janet asked incredulously.

Sam looked a bit embarrassed, "Yeah, I haven't exactly had time to do my washing lately."

"Hey Carter, love the muumuu!" Jack called out as he passed the two women in the hall. Sam felt her face flush and cursed her pale complexion. "Don't forget, we have a briefing in two minutes!" he said and sailed on down the hall.

"Dammit, two minutes!? I don't have time to change!"

Janet snickered as she looked at Sam's muumuu again, "Well, I guess you'll just have to go as you are."

Sam grumbled and took off down the hall.

"Major Carter," General Hammond said, "I wasn't aware that muumuu's had become standard attire on the base."

Sam took a seat next to Daniel, "No sir, they haven't, I was just, uh running late this morning, didn't have time to get changed."

"Very well, but I don't ever want to see you wearing a muumuu again, is that understood?"

"Yes sir." Sam said, feeling horribly embarrassed.

"Okay people, in front of you, you will find a folder that contains the MALP analysis of P7X-9854536373373, if you will please turn to the first page, we can discuss the soil analysis."

Sam turned to the first page and started to read. She looked up as the door burst open, it was Siler. "Sorry to interrupt sir, but I just got off the phone with the Guinness people, we got in!"

General Hammond threw up his hands and started to sing the Hallelujah Chorus. Sam shook head and decided that she really didn't want to know.


Colonel Charming says: I've been thinking, we should meet up sometime.

lovesJO says: Like, in person?

Colonel Charming says: yeah, we get along so well, it would be great to see you in person.

lovesJO says: what the heck, sure! Let's do it!

Colonel Charming says: Great! Okay, so what's a good time for you? I don't a free evening until Friday.

lovesJO says: Friday is good for me too, okay so Friday at say...7:00?

Colonel Charming says: Where?

lovesJO says: You know that little coffee shop on 53rd?

Colonel Charming says: Yep, so the coffee shop, Friday at 7:00

lovesJO says: That sounds perfect :-)

Colonel Charming says: How will I know who you are?

lovesJO says: I'll have a single red rose with me.

Colonel Charming says: I can't wait :-)


"You're doing WHAT?!!?!" Janet asked, her voice nearly reaching super sonic levels.

"Keep your voice down! I'm meeting him."

"You're meeting him? Sam, are you insane??"

"No, I'm not insane and you don't have to run any of your little tests, I'm fine. We're meeting on Friday in a coffee shop."

"Sam, I really think you need to take a step back and think about this. You haven't been the same since you met this guy. You've shown up at work wearing a muumuu and now look at you!"

Sam plucked at her sheet, "It's a toga Janet."

"You're wearing your bedsheets."

"I'll do my laundry soon, I promise."

"Major Carter, what in God's name are you wearing now?!"

Sam whirled around, "General Hammond, sir! I'm wearing a toga."

"A toga? I wasn't aware that the SGC is having dress up days now, I must have missed that memo."

Sam shrugged, "I guess so."

The General pondered that for a moment, "Oh well, in that case..I think I have a Superman costume somewhere in my office..."

Sam and Janet watched as the General headed off down the hall mumbling away to himself.


"Hey Carter, I don't suppose you know why the General is leaping off tables wearing a Superman costume, do you?"

Sam looked up at Jack, who was fiddling with a small metallic device, "Uh no, sorry I don't..."

"I thought maybe you would, seeing as you're wearing a sheet and all."

"Sir, could you put that down?"

"Why, what is it?"

"I don't know yet, that's why I want you to put it down."

Jack dropped the device back onto the counter, "So Carter, haven't seen much of you lately, what's going on?"

"Oh not much, I've just been really busy."

"Still working on that Stargate in your basement?"

"Uh yeah, something like that."

Jack nodded, "Well, it's been nice talking with you Carter. I guess I'd better go keep the peace in the commissary, I heard that the General had talked Siler into wearing a Batman costume."


Sam's had butterflies in her stomach as she drove to the coffee shop. Her red rose was on the seat beside her and her hands were shaking on the wheel. Come on Sam, she told herself, calm down, it won't do you any good to get yourself all worked up over this. She parked her car and shut off the engine. She tried to take several deep breaths and looked around at the street. She wondered if the Colonel was already here and if he was, which vehicle was his.

Sam's gaze fell on a green truck that looked very similar to Colonel O'Neill's. She decided that it couldn't possibly be his and told herself that thousands of people probably owned a truck exactly like that. She got out of her car and crossed the street. As she passed by the truck she noticed that 'Poke Me, I Like It" was written in the dirt on the tailgate. Was it her imagination or had Teal'c not written that on the Colonel's truck a few days ago....

Sam decided that it was not O'Neill's truck and that she was delusional and pushed open the door to the shop and went in. The lighting was fairly dim and it smelled delicious, Sam breathed in deeply, trying to calm her nerves. She clasped the rose tightly to her chest and looked around.

Her gaze fell upon a figure seated at a table for two. Her mind screamed at her to run, get away from here, but she made herself move forward.



Sam sat down at the table with Colonel O'Neill. She still wanted to leave but they had to talk about this.

"You're Colonel Charming?"

Jack gave a sad smile, "Guilty as charged. You're lovesJO?"

Sam felt her cheeks burning, "Yes."

Jack's mouth fell open as he realized who JO was, "Ahem, well, this was unexpected."

Sam put the rose down, "Yeah, so what do we do now?"

"Order something to eat?"

"Okay, sounds good, we'll eat."

"You know, Carter, I had no idea that you were into the Internet dating scene."

"I'm not really, I was just bored one night and then I met you."



"So what?"

"How did it go with this guy last night? Details Sam, I want details!"

"It's a long story Janet."

Janet plopped herself down on a chair, "I've got time."

Sam sighed, "Well, alright, if you really want to know...."


"Oh my God, Sam! I can't believe that it was Colonel O'Neill!"

"I couldn't either," Sam said, "But I'm glad that it was."

"How so?"

"Well, we got to talking and we've decided to pursue a relationship."

Janet smiled, "I'm really happy for you Sam, I am. I hope this works out."

Sam smiled back at Janet, "I hope so too."