Title: Eligible Bachelors
Author: Kathleen Anderson
Email: sam_loves_jack@yahoo.ca
Status: complete
Category: humour
Pairings: Sam/Jack Daniel/Janet
Spoilers: none
Season: anytime after Fair Game, only because Sam's a Major
Rating: PG
Summary: The SGC needs money, so they decide to hold a fundraiser. A response to a challenge at Heliopolis.
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

"Alright people", General Hammond said as he surveyed the briefing room, "As I'm sure you're all aware of, the infirmary is in desperate need of some new gurneys...."

The General was interrupted by a snort from Daniel who was recalling how his gurney had collapsed on him last week.

"However," Hammond continued after a brief glance at Daniel, "The SGC just doesn't have the necessary funds in this year's budget. Doctor Fraiser has requested that I speak with you all today in hopes of remedying this. She has proposed that we hold a fundraiser."

Jack glanced up from his doodle of his 2IC sunning herself on a beach, "And what kind of fundraiser did she have in mind?"

The General rifled through a folder that was in front of him and produced a sheet of paper, "Doctor Fraiser has given me a list of suggestions and asked that I present them to you."

Jack put the finishing touches on Carter's bikini, "Sweet", he said, not really referring to the list.

General Hammond cleared his throat, "First on the list is a bake sale."

Jack looked up from his doodle of a palm tree, "A bake sale? What does she think we are? Bakers extraordinaire?"

"Actually sir, Teal'c makes some really good chocolate cupcakes with mint frosting. They just seem to melt.."

"Whatever", Jack interrupted Sam, "Most of us aren't blessed with Teal'c's obvious gift. Take you for example, I seem to recall those mushy things that you served me one day that you claimed were butter tarts. I could taste them for a week afterwards."

General Hammond cleared his throat again, "Alright Colonel..Major..continuing with the list we have a car wash."

Jack began drawing horns and a tail on his bikini-clad 2IC and decided that he had no comment on that suggestion.

Daniel opened his mouth, then shut it again.

"Did you have something you wished to say Doctor Jackson?"

"Ah well, I was going to say that it's the middle of January and I for one really don't relish the thought of standing outside with hoses and washing cars."

The General nodded, "Point well taken Doctor. Moving on, there's a...."


General Hammond continued through the list, presenting ideas and having them shot down by various members of his staff. Jack's doodle had reached epic proportions.

"The final suggestion is a bachelor auction."

Sam stopped craning her neck to try and see what Jack was drawing so intently and looked over at the General, "A bachelor auction? That sounds interesting."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, "Indeed."

Jack, who was concentrating on getting the shark just right, mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "Peachy"

Daniel looked horrified, "Whoa whoa whoa! Guys, am I the only one that has a problem with this??"

Teal'c raised his other eyebrow, "Indeed it is so DanielJackson."

General Hammond nodded, "Then it's decided. I will speak with Doctor Fraiser and then we may begin planning this auction. Dismissed."

Everyone, except Jack, stood up and Sam began to casually make her way towards him. Leaning over him, she glanced at his doodle which looked suspiciously like herself as the devil in a little bikini being attacked by a shark. She bit her bottom lip and then brushed her lips against his ear, "I still have those butter tarts in my freezer." she whispered in what she hoped was a sexy voice.

Jack shrugged and Sam, looking disappointed, slunk out of the room.

Jack smiled and then got up, thinking about where he was going to hang his masterpiece.


"Janet!" Daniel whined.

"Oh come on Daniel, it's for a good cause, you of all people should recognize that." Janet had to fight to keep a straight face as she recalled last week, as she was rushing Dr Jackson to the infirmary after he'd returned from a mission with severe abdominal pain, the gurney she was using had come crashing down, spilling the moaning Daniel onto the floor.

"But Janet, I don't wanna be auctioned off!"

Janet sighed, "Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c have agreed to it."

"Yeah, well, how big of a needle did you threaten them with?"


The auction had been planned for the evening of January 24, and thanks to Janet's needles, 18 eligible bachelors would be auctioned off to the highest bidder.


Sam shovelled more blue raspberry jello into her mouth and glanced across the table at Janet who was making notes in a little book.

"So, Janet", Sam said around her mouthful of jello, "who are you planning on buying?"

Janet put her pencil down, "What makes you so sure that I'm planning on buying anyone?"

Sam shrugged, "Just a thought."

Janet picked up her Nanaimo bar and bit off a piece, "I suppose that you're planning on buying Colonel O'Neill?"

Sam scanned the list of items up for bid, "Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that. Siler would make quite the catch. And I see here that Feretti, Simmons and Davis are available as well."

Janet demurely licked her fingers, "Whatever you say Sam, whatever you say."


Jack tugged at his bow-tie and cursed his luck. He could hear the dull roar of the crowd behind the wall and wished that he hadn't let Janet intimidate him into doing this.

Teal'c was standing in front of a mirror and adjusting his top hat, while Daniel pulled nervously on the insides of his sleeves. Eighteen men were crowded into a small dressing room, waiting for the MC, General Hammond, to begin the evening.

In Jack's fantasies Carter, stood up and screamed that he was hers and that everyone else should just back off, but after the doodle incident, he didn't find that scenario very plausible. She was probably planning on getting Siler. Damn that man.


"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the SGC Bachelor's Auctions. The proceeds of this evening's event will go towards purchasing some much needed equipment for the infirmary. Before we begin, I'd like to thank our very own Doctor Janet Fraiser for all her hard work in getting this organized, as well as Sergeant Siler and his team for setting up the stage and lighting. For those of you that are unaware of how this will work, one of our eligible bachelors will come on stage, and then the bidding will begin. The highest bidder will be receive a night out on the town."

The audience clapped politely.

"And now, without further ado, let's meet our first bachelor."

Teal'c walked out on stage and stood there until he was bought by a lieutenant for $250.

Teal'c was followed by Feretti who went for $150 and then by Graham Simmons, who wanted to cry when Major Carter didn't even bid once on him.

Following Simmons was a very reluctant Daniel Jackson, who had to be pushed on stage by Jack.

General Hammond was winding up the crowd, "And now folks, we have Doctor Daniel Jackson. Daniel is a member of SG-1 and is our resident archaeology expert and linguist. Do I hear $100?"

Janet jumped out of her seat, "$100!!" she screamed.

Janet was soon outbid by one of her nurses.

"$300!!" Janet screamed again.

The bids went back and forth until finally Janet climbed onto her chair and shrieked, "$1000!!!!!!!"

The General's eyes looked ready to pop out his head, "I have $1000 from our lovely Doctor Fraiser."

Daniel stood on stage looking quite pleased with himself.

"$1000 going once."

The room was silent.

"$1000 going twice."


"Going three times. And sold to Doctor Fraiser for $1000!"

Janet sat back down on her chair. Sam leaned over, "Jeez, Janet, why didn't you just buy the new gurneys yourself?"


The evening continued with Sam making low bids on Siler and Davis and Janet planning her night out with Daniel in intricate detail.

Finally they were down to just one bachelor.

"And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for. I'd like to to introduce you to our final bachelor, Colonel Jack O'Neill!"

Jack stepped onstage and was greeted with applause and several cat calls.

"Colonel O'Neill is the second in command of this facility and is the leader of SG-1. Do I hear $100?"

Sam flew out of her seat and starting the bidding.


"$700!" Sam shouted above the crowd.

A red headed woman behind her seemed determined to outbid Sam, and she called out, "$800!"

Taking a page out of Janet's book, Sam stepped onto her chair and whirled around to face the woman. Sending a death glare her way, Sam shouted, "$900!"

Janet looked up from her sketch of herself and Daniel on a beach in Maui and called, "You go girl!" to Sam.

"$1000!" screamed the red head.

Sam cursed the nerve of the woman and took a deep breath before yelling, "$1500!"

Jack stood on stage preening.

The red head shot Sam a disgusted look and sat down. Sam put her hands on her hips and silently dared anyone to challenge her.

General Hammond was grinning as he said, "I have $1500 from Major Carter. Is anyone brave enough to challenge that?"


"$1500 going once!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

"$1500 going twice!"

Someone's shoe squeaked.

"$1500 going three times and sold to Major Carter!"

The crowd erupted in cheers and Sam took her seat.


An airman came forward and handed General Hammond a slip of paper. The General looked down at it and cleared his throat.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have in front of me the unofficial total of tonight's fundraiser. Thanks mainly to the generosity of Major Carter and Doctor Fraiser, the SGC has $5500 towards purchasing new equipment for the infirmary."

Janet elbowed Sam in the ribs, "Wanna make it a double date?"